Waiting for the next "move"

Like any addiction, a depressed person wil always suffer from depression. There are the days you won't leave your bed and the days where everything seems fine. Think of it as one of those survey's you take where you rate how well you like or dislike something. In this case 0 is Hiding in bed and 10 is I feel really good today. For me, much of the time, I am to closer to the zero than I would care to be. I feel lucky if I can get part of my day up to a seven or an eight. Oh my god! An eight most days would be like winning the lottery or the feeling you get when you have been holding in a pee for too long and you finally get to go to the bathroom. Sweet release. Ahhhhh. You know that feeling. Amazing.

I know that many people can relate to what I am writing about here. On the Front Page of my Web Sight you will find a link to a very interesting Blog from Amy Leon called Crazy Mama Runs. My observation of her is always that she is somewhere near a 10 if not exceeding that number. But behind the smile she suffers what so many of us suffer. She suffers from depression and anxiety. But unlike many of us, she is taking an active part in her recovery. She may stumble at times but she always picks herself up and continues the marathon. And she always shows us that smile.

Lately I have sensed a change in "the force". (Loved the new Star Wars movie) There is a feeling inside that tells me that if I do not make some kind of change soon I will disappear into the dark hole of depression and never reappear. I'm fed up with what has become of my life. Recent events have made it very clear to me that I am not going to, as I had assumed as a youth, live forever. I am not being dramatic when I say that, I can't see my future. I can't imagine what it will be like when I am in my sixties, seventies, eighties and, my goodness, my nineties. I am not saying this to scare anyone (except maybe myself, it is just the way I have been feeling the last few months. So, with that said I am ready to make my "move". My wife is very nervous about my decision. I can't blame her. I am nervous too. Neither of us know what this means to our futures. All I know is that something must be done before I disappear in the hole forever.

Stay Tuned